God did a miracle in my life. He saved me from cocaine, crown royal, carousing, et al. But mainly God saved me from my greatest sin, my self-led life. God has helped me to remember some rough memories in those months leading up to the transforming work he did in me. God isn't rubbing anything in my face, just allowing me to never forget that miracles do happen.
This stroll down memory lane causes me to weep, but they’re tears of joy and satisfaction, like staring grace in the face. Here’s just a couple scenes God showed me: I would scour my apartment, scraping mirrors, breaking open gram vials for just one more line of “blow”. I would swing from being crazy with laughter and life at parties, then retreating in the early morning to my room, curled up in a dark corner feeling overwhelmed with an empty soul but not knowing what to do. Feeling the weight of living up to my potential and the crushing emptiness of what others saw as victory and success was a whiplash of emotions. I was religious but not redeemed, I was lying to myself and churning with internal pain, but God was standing in my shadow extending mercy.
Then God took me to a place of spiritual nakedness. He pulled down the filter of denial. I realized then that God saw me and my sin more clearly than I could see myself and he didn’t despise me. I didn’t choose Him, he overwhelmed me. He showed me a love that was stronger than my shame. I can say with certainty that I did nothing but admit my deep need for hope and my rabid desire to truly live. I surrendered my life to Jesus, there was no option. Then the flood came. God irrigated my soul with streams of living water. Every tear of shame was followed by two tears of forgiveness and joy. Where chaos had ruled my heart, peace now lived.
So today I celebrate the grace of God that’s still changing me. I have learned that being broken and at the end of ourselves is the thing we most resist, that holds the greatest promise! This is life, and I live to tell as many people about it as I possible can.
The next several days of this blog will be committed to telling the real story of how God changed me. There are tough decisions that need to be made and layers that must be peeled back. True life change is risky, beautiful, ugly, rich and sometimes bloody. I will share how God worked in me to produce true and lasting change and how it may relate to you. Our addictions are very different from each other. Some are out there for everyone to see, yet others hide quite well. How God gives new direction is similar to all. I look forward to sharing my story, I believe it can help you!